Between my family’s matter-of-fact attitude towards life, and my little brothers being in almost constant need of a diaper / pamper change, I was aware of the way of things – of the Yoni, and the Lingham, and that the union of the two (between “adults who love each other”) gives way to joy and to life – at a relatively young age. And in my mind, that was just the fact and function of the universe. So when I “blossomed” at twelve, I accepted it as the way of life, and did my best to ignore the jeers of clueless boys and jealous girls. And when I started my period at 14, it came as little surprise. So while my mother cried and my grandmother bade me “Welcome to Womanhood”, I took the tears and hugs and ridiculously large Maxi pads in stride, because that was just the way things worked….. except for me they didn’t.
By the time I was 16 my cycles (when they came) last anywhere from 2months to, at one point, an entire year. And after being clinically deflowered for the purpose of an intra-cervical ultrasound, I was informed that I have an extremely “profound” case of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. To absorb the fact that you may never have children is alot to handle at 16. And for me, whose passion is children, it was devastating. I took it very cynically, and adopted the idea that I was only marginally a woman because I was “broken”. And it ate at me for years; until I met one of the most enlightened souls I know. He (yes, he) was the assistant pastor of my mother’s congregation at the time, and in the course of me requesting prayer for my “brokenness” he told me one of the most touching things I’ve ever had the blessing to hear. He insisted that I was not broken at all, nowhere near it in fact. And he told me that, he believed, I was created the way I am so that through my circumstance the miracle of motherhood might be made even more profound. That my children (whether birthed or adopted) would be living proof of the miraculousness of femininity; of a woman’s ability not only to create, but to foster and to love.
That was almost 6 years ago. Since then I have married my high school sweetheart, and we are well on our way to making those words a reality, with out even thinking about it. I would be lying if I told you I kept their healing power in my mind on a daily basis. I don’t. By the Grace of the Divine I’ve come to a place in my life where I no longer need to. And I’m just a little ashamed to admit that, for quite some time now, I had completely forgotten about everything that I went through to get where I am. And I know that I couldn’t have done any of it with out the empowering guidance of those words from a near stranger 6 years ago. And looking at VLL I decided that if I could pass them on to just one other woman, who feels ( or felt) like I used to that maybe, in some small way, my “brokenness” my truly mean something. Because I know what it feels like to despise your body, but I also know what it feels like to be able to look back and smile even though it’s not necessarily better. And that is my sincerest wish for every female out there who is, or ever had been hurting because of their femininity. I want you to know that regardless of what you look like, or what you circumstance is that you are a perfect living embodiment of the miracle that is all things feminine.