My own body image has been skewed ever since I can remember. I am and always have been overweight. If it wasn’t other children poking fun at me, it was my own family. I started developing at a very young age and had my first period a few months after my 10th birthday. I remember getting teased because I was the only girl in the 4th grade that wore a bra. After I got spotted taking a pad out of my backpack, any shred of dignity I had at that point was gone. So it’s no wonder I have a severe insecurity about undressing around others, especially if it is with a partner.
Since I started puberty early: my curiosities started early. My parents were exactly comfortable with explaining anything of the sexual nature with a child. My mother at times wasn’t completely honest with certain things in order to steer me away from anything she considered taboo. For example, she told me that it was unhealthy for a woman to shave her public hair. It wasn’t until I was a young teenager did I figure out she was full of it.
As a teenager I had a lot of emotional issues. I did not find out until I was an adult that I had borderline personality disorder. One of the signature traits of a person with BPD is the desire to inflict self harm. Promiscuity is considered one of those common ways to do so and I was rather “loosey goosey” for a good portion of my teen and early adult years. I just didn’t care. A few friends of mine would ask why I would do this to myself and I really never gave them an answer. I hated my body and was scared to show it to anyone. On the other hand, I was fulfilling the desire to hurt myself and I had someone’s undivided attention for a while. I was starting to feel like my vagina was so used. Especially after I gave birth to my son. He was delivered vaginally and was a bigger baby. After my son’s father and I ended our relationship I feared that no one would want a 23 year old with a young kid and (what i felt was) a damaged vagina. Luckily I was wrong and I met a man that loves my son like his own and makes me feel like a goddess. I was diagnosed with my disorder and am going through the steps to learn how to manage it. The only good thing that came out of all the shame people put me through is my keen ability to not give a damn what people think.