How exactly does one write their own story? I’ve always though of a “story” to be so complete and final, and if that’s true, how can I possibly know how to start and my own? So I shall try, as best as I can.
My Intro to Porn
When I was around 8, I spent the night at one of my cousins houses. When everyone was asleep, they turned on to the pay per view porn channels. I remember feeling so awkward about sneaking a peak every once in awhile. I felt even weirder with myself at how the man and woman interaction made me feel; clammy palmed, shaky and excited.
Around the fourth grade (damn that seems so young), I learned the act of masturbation. I would sneak off to my room, lock my door, and grab a towel to use to keep my hands clean. Every time I would climax, I would feel so ashamed of myself. I would think that God would think i’m dirty and I would tell myself that I would never do it again. Even though I was never really religious, God would creep his way into my young conscience and leave me feeling guilty.
With Boys Comes Changes
I started dating in the 7th grade. My first boyfriend was a bust but my second one was great. I remember one date was to the movies. Being on a first date at age 13, we did a lot more making out rather than watch the movie. It wasn’t long before I realized that my underwear were wet. I didn’t know what was wrong! I actually thought that I had pee’d myself!
A few years later I met a guy while living in California and he made me the happiest I had been up to that point. He was sweet and truly caring towards me. He was there for me when I had no one and he stood by me even when I was being shitty. I will always cherish him for that. Anyways one day while at my house he lifted my shirt and explored my bare skin and I let him willingly. I knew I wanted more and sometime later he slipped his hands down my shorts. That was the first time I shared my “special place” with anyone.
When I moved back to my mom’s house at age 16, I decided to break up with my California boyfriend. A couple months later I was approached by a boy who is my current boyfriend. Right away we became intimate. It was exciting to learn more about the male erogenous zones and to have another person learn about my own. Even though we moved fast, I told myself that I wouldn’t have sex until I was 18 and an adult. That wasn’t exactly the case.
My First Time (this was hard to write)
Waiting to have sex is very difficult. There is so much temptation when you’re already intimate with a person.When I had sex for the first time, it was in the heat of the moment. I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t very special or anything. It was rushed and impersonal. Needless to say, I regret it. After it happened, I was very depressed. I cried myself to sleep a few times and I looked at myself differently and with shame. I put my boyfriend through a lot of distress afterwards, not even taking into consideration that it was his first time also. I don’t blame my boyfriend for it at all though. I love him with all my heart. And while that was a long time ago, I still get choked up thinking about it.
My Vulva & Me
Even though I was upset with how things turned out, I now know that I can’t change anything from the past. All I can do, and all I continue to do is look forward. I inform my younger sisters about their bodies and tell them to be comfortable with themselves, because no one wants to have that talk with their mothers. And even though as of July 2012, at age 18, I still haven’t told my mother about my sexual activity, I know she will be supportive. I am also blessed to have shared my not-so-perfect moment with my current boyfriend. He is my best friend and he supports me no matter what. He reminds me that I am beautiful even when I don’t feel that way. But while I still see my flaws, he is helping my accept myself for who I am and what I look like. Except for these damn thighs! (just kidding)
Far From The End
I know that it is far from over, but this is how I will end my story: One day in the future, when I am a mother, I will talk to my children about their bodies and the natural sexual activities they will experience. I will also try to be as supporting, informing, and as loving as I can be, all the while telling them that they are beautiful no matter what other people believe is the image of beauty.
“I ain’t gonna wear the clothes that you like
I’m fine and dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and i’m tickled pink
I don’t give a hoot about what you think” – Weezer