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It’s funny looking back now, because growing up, I had to mature & grow up really fast from our constant unbalanced and hostile living situations, but never was I truly informed about my vagina.

I wasn’t completely clueless about my anatomy, it’s not like it was something too terribly taboo in our household, it just wasn’t a topic that was brought up. The only thing I knew my vagina did was eventually bleed and from that you could make babies. My mom at least wanted to make sure I wasn’t in the dark about my period, like she was.

I knew what sex was ‘for’ at a young age, but I didn’t actually know what it was, or the act of it, until about 7th grade, as far as I knew, the stork brought the baby. Kids are starting to have sex in 7th grade nowadays. I was in the dark.

 

My dad has probably had the most impact on the way I view a lot of things, my view on males is a direct result of my father and his many actions, good and plenty of the bad. My dad was the stereotypical, “If you bring a boy home, I’m going to greet him with a shotgun, and pop one in his left testicle,” kind of a dad. This translated to, NO BOYS EVER.

 

I don’t blame my mom at all, but I guess, if I had asked my mom more questions, I would have gotten answers. She never lied to me. But, how do you bring yourself as a preteen to your mom to ask her about your vagina? It’s not the easiest. As far as my mother is concerned I’m still a virgin to this day and I’m 21. And my dad thinks I’m a lesbian.

 

I was the oddball at school, neither loved or hated, neither popular or loner. I just existed like most kids with the few awesome sauce friends that I had. I wasn’t stupid, I saw what sex did to your reputation inside and outside school. I for one, wasn’t having it. I didn’t want to be popular from sex, nor did I want to be branded a slut for having it.

 

I’ve always had a weight issue, since I was in 3rd grade when I started packing on the pounds. People at school never pressured the issue, it was my family on the outside, like cousins and aunts that would pick on me, and it really got to me at too young of an age for me to care about my weight and the way I looked.

 

The combination of these things have made me a complete and total prude frigid bitch. I’m not going to lie to you and say, “Oh of course not, I didn’t want sex.” I did, but the thought of it made me gag at the same time. I couldn’t bring myself to the actual act of it for the longest time & I couldn’t picture myself actually doing it. I was too self conscience with myself & thought I was disgusting, I didn’t trust males or females. And while I would masturbate, I felt guilty, gross and nasty for doing it.

 

It wasn’t until last year, at the end of 2009-2010, my best guy friend, I’d known for 8 years, started questioning me about my “issues.” No one really knew what I had and hadn’t done sexually, not that it was any of their damn business. I was the mystery to all of my friends. He really got to me and he was probably the only male I trusted at the time. No regrets…. 20 years old.. I waited.. an excruciatingly long wait… I got fucked over in the end, but instead of taking one more thing and making it worse, I was old enough and manipulated the experience to grow and change for the better.

 

Still down in the dumps, It was around this same time I stumbled upon Jessica’s lovely VulvaLoveLovely shop through a most wonderful friend. I was already transitioning to my new mind set at this time, and when I had ordered my first portrait pendant I seriously wanted to cry. It made everything I wanted to accomplish that much more intense and closer.

 

My vagina/vulva and I have made a few bad decisions and we’ve had a few booboos we’ve had to mend. Some from a while ago and some much more recent & We’ll probably encounter many more to come. But, from all of this, including the stuff you won’t get to read. I can honestly say, that I’m finally happy with myself and I am comfortable in my own skin. I can masturbate without feeling guilty, and can be comfortable with another human being. It took a while to get there.

 

It sounds cheesy as all hell, but this is a true story for everyone. I’m worth it, you’re worth it, we all are worth it in some way and if you believe that, life is soo much more pleasant and worthwhile when you can accept and love yourself.

-Lydia

 

butterflies